A Brief Overview of BP CEO Tony Hayward’s Life Before The Spill

Amongst the controversy surrounding the ongoing oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, BP CEO Tony Hayward has come under criticism for several gaffes made during his company’s clean-up efforts, most notably when he explained, ”There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I’d like my life back,“ mere weeks after 11 rig workers were killed in the accident.  In an effort to help the public understand the context of their CEO’s statement, BP has released a brief overview of an average day in Mr. Hayward’s life before the natural disaster abruptly turned his world upside-down:

• 6:30 am - Wake up. Take an hour-long shower in Evian mineral water. When billed for the 200 gallons used, confidently argue that it was more like five or six.
• 8:15 am - Organize a fifteen CEO circle-jerk into a pile of money and attempt to spend it all as swiftly as possible.  If anyone refuses to accept the cum-coated cash, simply dismiss him or her as an obsessive-compulsive greed freak.
• 9:35 am - Fly private jet to Arlington National Cemetery to seek signatures for personal petition against The Hurt Locker’s Best Picture win over The Blind Side.
• 10:40 am – Withdraw $3,000 in pennies from the nearest bank, placed in two plastic bags.  After they immediately break, covering the floor with coins, blame the supermarket’s poor plastic manufacturing.
• 12:10pm – Lunch (lobster).
• 1:20 pm - Kill a close friend in a car wreck while driving violently drunk.  When giving the eulogy, spend the first fifteen minutes describing how hard it was to get to the funeral with the family’s favorite Ferrari in the shop.
• 3:00 pm - Run into a random store on Rodeo Drive and fill a large suitcase with designer leather coats and fine Italian suits.  When intercepted by security at the exit, politely agree to accept the consequences as long as the police report’s damages do not exceed the pair of socks stuffed in pants pocket (it would be impossible to estimate the actual amount).
• 4:15 pm - Take rabies-ridden Rottweiler for a walk in the park, reassuring each passerby that it doesn’t bite.  When several school children lose their hands, roll eyes and sarcastically thank them for bleeding all over Boris’ recently groomed fur.
• 5:40 pm - Stab a hobo in the heart. When he cries, calmly explain that the human body is very big in relation to the tiny amount of blood spilling from his chest. 
• 6:30 pm - Dinner (dolphin)
• 8:05 pm - Arrive home.  Apply oil-free cleanser to face.   
• 9:00 pm - Defecate in wife’s side of the bed.  If she finally decides to divorce, reassure self that there’s other fish in the sea. After realizing there isn’t, scream to the heavens about what was done to deserve this.