Conversation of the Week

Yesterday at work, an African-American gentleman walked into my store, draped head-to-toe in 3XL Ed Hardy clothing, carrying a large duffel bag.

This is how the encounter went:

BLACK ED HARDY GUY: Ay, man, ya’ll hiring for the Holidays?

ME: I think we’re fully staffed, but I can take your resume.

BEHG: Oh, that’s coo. I’m just gonna get a spray of this.

[BEHG walks over to the tester bottles, chooses one, and sprays himself multiple times with cologne]

BEHG: Yo, it cool if I steal this?

ME: No. Sorry.

BEHG: Oh, okay. I just thought I’d ask before I steal it, you know?

[BEHG puts the cologne bottle down and walks back over to ME]

BEHG: What’s yo name, man?

ME: Daveo.

BEHG: Daveo? Cool, I’m The Best.

ME: …

BEHG/THE BEST: …

ME: I’m sorry. “The Best?” Like, that’s your name?

BEHG/THE BEST: Yeah. Why?

ME: Oh, sorry. I don’t know. I’ve just never met anyone with that name.

THE BEST: That’s because I’m The Best.

ME: Yeah, that makes sense.

THE BEST: So ya’ll ain’t hiring and I can’t steal that?

ME: No, and no - Hey, so quick question… “The Best”… Is that like your legal name? Or just a nickname?

THE BEST: What does it matter, dawg?

ME: It matters a great deal.

THE BEST: Aight, we’ll, yes, it’s my legal name.

ME: So, is your first name “The” and your last name “Best”? Or is “The Best” your full first name and you have a last name? Like “The Best Rapper.”

THE BEST: So just because I’m black you think I’m a rapper?

ME: No-

THE BEST: -Is that how it is? You think any black man just automatically raps?

ME: No, I wasn’t implying-

THE BEST: -Maybe I don’t like rap music. Maybe I like classical music. What if I had a degree in Musical Theory from Harvard, huh? You don’t think black men can do anything but rap?!

ME: I didn’t mean to offend you, Mr. Best. It was just an example I was giving-

THE BEST: Okay… so you wanna buy my demo?

[TB pulls out a demo CD. The cover is a Xerox’d picture of The Best with two guns and two bitches]

ME: Your demo?

THE BEST: Yeah, 12 bucks, dawg. Straight up gangsta shit, from the street.

[THE BEST hands ME the demo and removes 12 dollars from my wallet without asking. He also takes my credit card and pisses on my Library card]

ME: I thought you just said you don’t rap?

THE BEST: What, when? Sorry, I’m on PCP right now.

ME: Well, fine, I’ll buy your demo. But only if you tell me the truth about your name. I just gotta know.

THE BEST: Okay, what do you wanna know?

ME: Well, is it an actual title? Or just a statement? I’m blogging about this tomorrow so I’ve gotta know if your name is capitalized.

THE BEST: Yes, it’s a title.

ME: Okay, and once again - Is that your full first name? Or a first name, middle name deal? Do you have a last name?

THE BEST: No, no last name. It’s just “The Best.” Like, Madonna… or Cher… or that weird Icelandic bitch.

ME: Bjork?

THE BEST: Kazuntite.

ME: But, man, “The Best” can’t be like Madonna or Cher. Those are one-word titles. Yours is two.

THE BEST: Look, who gives a fuck?! I’m The Best! I can do whatever the fuck I want! You know why? Cuz ain’t nobody better than The Best! And that’s science! Look it up on Wikipedia.

ME: I understand the definition of the word “best.” So, did your parents give you this name? Do you have any siblings?

THE BEST: Yes, three. Better But Not The Best, So-So, and The Accident.

ME: Your parents named a child The Accident?

THE BEST: Yes, in memory of the Hindenburg.

ME: Well, that’s kind of sweet. Hey, The Best, can I ask you - Where are you headed right now?

THE BEST: Disneyland, why?

ME: Oh, well, in real life, you kind of rushed out in a hurry. Before any of this conversation could take place.

THE BEST: Wait, none of this really happened?

ME: No, you walked out right after you said “I’m The Best.” It was a very dramatic exit.

THE BEST: That sounds dramatic as shit! Why didn’t I do that right now?

ME: Because this is my blog. We play by my rules.

THE BEST: Okay, so now what?

ME: Now, Natalie Portman walks in, gets down on one knee, and proposes to me with a BAPE x CHANEL collabo engagement ring that plays “99 Problems” whenever I please. Then I leave my job and the three of us run away to Hawaii, where you, a legally-ordained minister, marry Natalie and I.

THE BEST: Sounds good to me.

[NATALIE PORTMAN enters and gets down on one knee]

NATALIE PORTMAN: Daveo, will you marry me?

ME: Fuck yes.

[The three of us run away to Hawaii. THE BEST marries ME and NATALIE. After I kiss the bride, I notice a familar smell. It’s the COLOGNE from my work. A bottle falls out of THE BEST’s duffel bag immediately.]

ME: TTTTTHHHHEEEE BBBBBBESSSSSTTTTTTT!!!!!!

[I shake my fist while enthusiastically yelling the catchphrase from my sitcom, “LIFE WITH THE BEST.”]