I turn 20 on May 9th, so I have roughly 3 1/2 weeks left of being a teenager. I have suddenly realized how many essential teen experiences I’ve missed out on and how little time I have left to live them out.

My TO-DO LIST for the next three weeks: Kegstands, Unprotected 43-second long sexual experiences, Beer bongs from the Home Depot, MacGuyver’d pot smoking (via apples, cans, soda bottles, pens, etc), Ecstacy-fueled Living Room Raves, Forcing 17-year olds to have my abortion, Belly-flopping drunk off a two-story house, Getting dicks Sharpied on my face, Whip-Its, Permanent Brain Damage from huffing Keyboard Cleaner, Writing melodramatic poetry, Wrecking my dad’s truck and running home to avoid a DUI, Getting caught by my mom as I put Peanut Butter on my balls around the family dog.

Please feel free to comment with any suggestions. Time is running out!