Apparently, “%Private” DOES NOT make a Tweet visible to only you… That’s the last time I listen to @MyspaceTom about how to use Twitter…
Here’s a chronolocial timeline of my Twitter from yesterday:
NEW TWITTER FEATURE! “%Private” makes a Tweet visible to only you - for when you wanna Tweet personal, deep dark secrets w/o friends seeing!
Don’t believe me about the new TweetFeat? Let me ask you this: how come you never anyone posting “%Private” tweets, huh? …Told ya so.
%Private I jerk off to my own videos.
%Private I ghostwrite for Carlos Mencia. This whole time I’ve been selling him other people’s jokes & Carlos doesn’t even know! Sucker!
%Private I was born a girl & got a sex change after deciding to become a comedian… Cuz we all know men are funnier than women!
%Private I’m not gonna say I’ve threatened fellow comedians before, but let’s put it this way… Seinfeld didn’t end his sitcom willingly.
%Private Same goes for Frasier.
%Private NBC only cancelled JOEY cuz I wouldnt do a guest spot. “Well we cant show LA without showing Daveo,” they said, “DAVEO OWNS LA!”
%Private The Cheers finale was supposed to be me snorting coke off the bar for 22mins, but the gig was too low-profile to waste my time on.
%Private Originally, Friends had just one character: ME. I passed on it to do some Broadway. I hear NBC still regrets going forward w/o me.
%Private I was set to star in HighSchoolMusical but focus groups said I’d make the film TOO successful. Oh well, Zac needed it more than me.
WOW! This new “%Private” feature takes Twitter to a whole new level! The confidentiality of a therapist… WITHOUT THE COST! So refreshing!
%Private I stole the audio from every Charlie Chaplin film before anyone saw them & use it as stand-up today. Such a brilliant performer…
%Private Chaplin was a pretty good performer, too. I mean, for his time or whatever.
%Private Beyonce’s real name is “Grassy Knowles.” I told her to pick a name that had an edge & didnt remind people of the JFK assassination.
%Private In the early-90s nightlife, I introduced River Phoenix to drugs. Some call this irresponsible. I call it a career strategy.
Really, guys! “%Private” is so cool! You can get all those frustrations off your chest w/o other people having to hear your petty problems!
%Private I was a founding member of NWA but was kicked out the 1st time I said the unabbreviated name. Dre still thinks I use racial slurs.
%Private Brian DePalma called me for a favor when he ran out of prop cocaine shooting Scarface. He now thanks me for the film’s authenticity
To clarify: “%Private” makes your tweets invisible to everyone else. Not “@” or “#”. Dont want anyone accidentally posting personal shit!
%Private I am RuPaul.
%Private Spielberg wasn’t getting shit in Hollywood til I suggested he add “Berg.” Steve still gives me a 10% gratuity on all his earnings.
%Private A little trick I taught Daniel Day Lewis about Method Acting: lots of Meth-Smoking. Lost a few teeth. Won a few Oscars. Fair Trade.
Man… so many Tweets of petty, pointless thoughts that I’d hate to have bored you all with. Thank god for this “%Private” feature!
%Private I gave Dakota Fanning her first big break. And I mean BREAK…
%Private I invented Twitter as a website that would become popular, everyone would claim to hate it… instead of hating Osama Bin Laden…
